Where were we?
It’s Friday the 13th, November and we’re coming off a typhoon whose strength was incredibly overlooked. Massive flooding in Marikina, electricity cut off at home, and at least 12 dead as of writing.
I’ve been off this diary for two months, and despite still being locked up at home because of covid, the last two months have been a flurry of events. I’m so tired.
I’ve spent a little more than 700 minutes meditating. It’s become an important part of my day. It’s helped me a lot, taught me a few tricks in managing my mind (like noting things instead of marinating in them), and I’m looking forward to learning a few more of those. I think taking that Science of Happiness class is one of my better decisions in my adult life.
I am now an entrepreneur, I think? Was asked by my prayer group to join them in their venture and I said why not?
(Side note: Prayer group?! I know! Since lockdown began, three of us would get on a call every morning to pray the rosary. In the 8 months, our calls have extended up to two hours to include making chismis, considering possibilities, helping each other out, and finally, getting into a racket).
There’s been a steep learning curve for me, and even with familiar things like writing and social media, I’ve had to unlearn what I know and relearn the basics again. Guys, it’s so hard. So many terms I don’t understand, so many business things I didn’t realize worked the way they did, so many, so many, so many!
But I guess this is the price to pay for wanting to try new things and “growing up.” That said, please visit the shop. Not to sound like a hard sell, but it’s seriously allowed me to enjoy things I otherwise wouldn’t have access to these days, like hummus, which I only get to eat when I’m out.
Hot damn, I’ve had an epiphany. Early in the lockdown, I kept meh-ing everybody plus my healer who advised to use the lockdown period to reassess our life and our goals. I knew what I wanted. I was sure of it.
Then sometime in June, it hit me, and hard. I figured out why I haven’t been able to make my five-year-old goal come true: My intentions behind it are whack.
I realized that all my life, I’ve been trying to escape — myself, my family, the life I’ve cobbled for myself.
And escape too, was the intent behind that goal. Maybe I do want to become an expat, but maybe I wanted that to escape my realities here.
This sounds like the biggest block to that goal. My intentions aren’t right. (Side note: another big block was the big no energy emanating from me. There was too much of “I don’t want this anymore” vibe from me, I was cockblocking myself from receiving grace)
So okay. I need to face my life, and the decisions that led me to where I am (currently, on a mat on the floor of my ‘office’), the heavy load and all the responsibilities, my shortcomings. Then perhaps, my intentions will crystallize, and with that, the fulfilment of it.
Answers! I got answers. It’s not a secret how difficult I find my job. It’s fast, it’s heavy, it’s hard. And because this is not my nature —I’m too laidback and easygoing — it always takes double the effort for me. Which is why I’m always tired and asking, how did I get here?
The racket with my friends sort of, kinda told me how I got here and why. Because even if I’m too laidback and easygoing for a newsroom, I’m also straightforward. I tell stories without mincing words, which in marketing and branding, could sometimes mean, I lack flair and style. I am not maarte enough. Truth is the truth is the truth.
But it is also making me understand that maybe what I call maarte or kaartehan, could also just mean standards. Having high standards. So I’m exploring the idea of that: maybe it’s not kaartehan. Or maybe it is but it’s more about me and my low, easygoing standards. Maybe it’s time I seek for higher standards for myself. Maybe it’s time I allow myself to take up space, ask for more.
Thinking of my next chapter. Given the epiphany and the answers, I’ve been thinking about what it is I really want for myself, the life I want to have, and the kind of job that will allow me to live that.
A few consistent ideas always float to the surface whenever I ask myself this, so I suppose those are the few pieces of the puzzle I have at the moment.
Add to that: I heard Angela Duckworth speak about grit in Digicon last month, and she mentioned that to develop grit, you gotta follow your interests, among other things. “Because interest is the seed of passion,” she said. And I think, this is true. It’s what got me where I am in my career, after all.
But she had a second point to it: “Are you really interested in your career?” Duckworth asked. “Could you develop this interest further?”
So this is where I’m at. Am I still interested in my career? What else am I interested in?
Speaking of interests, I finished a second course on psychology last October! I took Yale’s Science of Happiness course on Coursera, which tremendously helped me in dealing with another burnout last August. It taught me a few things on happiness and picked up a few new habits along the way (see meditation).
I really don’t want to end up the way I did in Coconuts, so I’m fighting as best as could and doing everything I can, to get myself beyond this level and onto the next.
Because I really cannot stay in this life station any longer. I’m not getting any younger which means, my endurance and strength aren’t what they used to be.
I am quite interested in people (I realized, this is why I love interviewing people and writing profiles) and psychology so, could this be a next chapter for me? I want to be a therapist (not a psychologist, not a psychiatrist, not a life coach) who can maybe help people untangle their brain. I even have a business name for it already, or at the very least, an instagram handle/hashtag: Call a Friend. Lol.
The Happiness course follows the CBT course I signed up for in Udemy last year and took forever to finish. I finally did last May and I’m happy to report I’ve been using some of its techniques to this day.
So let’s see. Imma sign up for another positive psychology class soon, just to verify if the interest is for real, for real.
Voicing out some dreams. Totally unrelated to career for once: I’m turning 40 next year and I realized I don’t have that “when I’m 40” dream. I mean a tangible gift to mark still being alive for that long. (I’m still hoping I get to hike Bhutan next year)
I know possessions don’t really make you happy but I’d wager one thing they can do: They give you something to work for.
So for the big golden age of 50, I’m thinking: A beach house.
Anyway, this is where I’m at. Still considerably still lucky given what’s going on in the world, and very grateful.
I’m praying the rest of the year will go easy, and the worst is now over. But 2020 is 2020 so who knows.
